i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
