Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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