If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Boobs speak an international language.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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