i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
