he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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