Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(619): View more from California

That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.

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(707): View more from California

yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.

(1-707): View more from California

you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you

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(201): View more from New Jersey

so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(206): View more from Washington

He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.

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