checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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