just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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