Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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