What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
