i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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