I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
