Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
