on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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