Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
