I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
my liver is dry heaving
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