Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
