I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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