I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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