i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
