How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
