I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
