Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
