I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
