I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
