i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
