Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
