I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
