I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
