thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You made out with two different species that night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
