You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
