I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
