Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
