I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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