You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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