Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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