I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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