I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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