You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
