sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
