The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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