i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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