Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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