the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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