Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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