my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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