I want to make a zoo with you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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