K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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