Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
