I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
