I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I need water and some morals
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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