I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
